Two dry runs in 45 days — much more than we expected. Dry runs are emotionally and physically exhausting for me. My mind switches over from day-to-day life to the fight or flight mode. Each and every step is extremely stressful and wrought with anxiety. When we get the call a rush of emotions begin to flow through me; excitement, fear, joy, anxiety, happiness. I’m not sure what to feel. Getting the call means new lungs and with that a new “timer” is being set. For how long, nobody knows. The new lungs are not meant to last forever and that unknown scares the crap out of me.
I pack up the car and try to wrangle in the toddler (this is always fun!). We begin the 2ish hour drive and my brain starts thinking about the next 3 1/2 months; who’s going to take care of the animals, who is going to take over teaching my college class, did I pack enough clothes, how am I going to balance Scott and Seeley, is Scott going to be ok, will this transplant be a success?! The list goes on and on, spinning through my head. It’s overwhelming. I am unable to turn off the questions. I do my best to mask the underlying feelings of fear and anxiety. I am supposed to be the strong one through this….
We make it to the hospital, wait a bit, and then they wheel him off. This is the hardest part for me, the saying goodbye part. In that moment all I can do is pray. Pray that he will make it. Pray that these lungs will be good. Pray for strength. Pray that these lungs will last a very, very, very long time. I don’t know what I would do if this does not go well. I can’t lose Scott. So, we wait. Wait for the call that the new lungs are good and the surgery is starting. I am so blessed to have such an amazing Mom and sister who come to the hospital and sit with me during this time. They help me to stay positive, contain my crazy two year old, and not loose my sh*t. How many more times will we go through this? Only God knows. I pray that the third time will be it. I don’t know how many more times I can go through this.
I found this quote and it definitely sums up the way I have been feeling.
These past few months have definitely been a test of my patience and trust. Patience in waiting for his perfect timing and trust in Him that there is an amazing plan in the making.
Breathing in the patience,
P.S. Thank you all for your love and support throughout this time! All of your comments give me strength and perseverance — it truly takes a village!