I keep making excuses to not write the following entry. Things like I am busy, I am teaching 3 classes this semester, I am tired, but today I told myself enough is enough. This blog is therapy for me and if I don’t commit to writing my thoughts and feelings than I am doing a disservice to myself. So here it is…
I feel like I am quite often in a state of worry when it comes to Scott’s health. Even when he is somewhat healthy I am always waiting for the other “shoe” to drop, for him to become sick, and subsequently hospitalized. It is not a good feeling. We have had four weeks out of the hospital and yet I can’t help but think when, not if, is he going back. Every cough, every “does it feel cold to you”, each time he wakes up in the middle of the night not able to breathe I think to myself “this is it”. This is the beginning of the sickness. The beginning of another hospitalization, the lungs decreasing in function, and of course my mind continues to wander — the beginning of being put on the official list (which I am mentally not ready for). I know this is a road that leads nowhere, but sometimes I can’t help myself. As a type A personality, it is in my nature to plan, to be organized, and when he goes onto the list I can no longer plan. I have to wait and hope that I can pull everything together in the spur of the moment — this terrifies me. The last time he was hospitalized they had the “get ready for the list” talk with him. Ugh. So every cough, every high heart rate, mild temperature, sends me straight to the thought of transplant. I know this line of thought is unhealthy….
This is something I am working on, the ability to let go. The ability to not worry and to place all my worries and fears in God’s hands. I have been enjoying this song lately by Hillsong UNITED, here are some of the lyrics —
Trouble won’t throw me. Won’t break me. Won’t scare me. No more. Fear must have thought I was faithless. When it came for my heart. ‘Cause I got a song that will never die. I know Your love is the reason why. I’ll sing the night into the morning. I’ll sing the fear into Your praise. I’ll sing my soul into Your presence. Whenever I say Your Name. Let the devil know not today
I need to step back, take a look at the big picture. I have a wonderful life. I need to learn to enjoy the moment, and stop worrying about the what if‘s. I feel if I keep repeating these lyrics I will be reminded that the fear/worry/anxiety I feel do not have a place in my life. No devil, not today.
Breathing out the worry,