Life Blog

Sugar Coated Life…

How many times do you get asked “How are you” or “How are things going”? And how often do you respond with the blanket “good”? I do this often, it’s a way for me to “sugar coat” my life and make people believe that everything is going great in my life — when in reality, this is not always true. If I told you the honest truth you might be surprised by my answer. If I told you the truth you might stop asking me that question. If I told you the truth my response, at this point in my life, would be somewhere along the lines of overwhelmed, tired, sad, tired, run down, feel like I’m drowning, tired — well you get the gist. It wouldn’t be “good” and I’m not so sure people actually want to hear the truth. So do you go with the genuine answer or do you continue to sprinkle that sugar on for everyone?? I don’t know the answer to this, but I do know that I do not want to be seen as a downer, nor do I want to be pitied, but at the end of the day its better to be honest, right? So here is goes —

How are you doing today Ashley?

Hmmm, to be quite honest I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling defeated. Once again I just sent Scott off to the emergency department to get admitted for another stay at Hotel Stanford. This poor guy just got off of IV antibiotics three days ago, he has been on them for a month now, and already has a fever, is already in need of oxygen at night, has decreased function in his lungs, has an elevated heart rate, has been coughing up blood, and is feeling horrible. So, no, I’m not feeling good at the moment. I’m feeling upset. Upset that Scott’s lungs can’t stay healthy. Upset that his crappy lungs are once again ruining any plans we make. Upset that he has this disease and sad that he has to once again be in the hospital. How much more can this man take? Only God knows I guess.

Last night as I was tucking him in to bed, taking his O2 levels, checking his heart rate, making sure his oxygen was at the appropriate level, taking his temperature, giving him his night pills I could see his eyes start to water. I immediately looked away. How do I comfort him? How do I make him feel better? This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, having to watch Scott deteriorate in front of my eyes. It’s devastating. All I could do was pray. Pray for healing, pray for a pain free night, pray for his lungs to calm, pray for strength for myself. I can’t break down in front of him. I have to be the strong one. So, thank you for asking, and thank you for listening. I know tomorrow will be better, but for today, I am giving myself permission to be sad.

I sometimes wonder if people just ask you this question to be polite, but have no intention to actually hear the response. Next time you ask this question really listen and next time you respond, respond with honesty.

Breathing out the sugar coated life and getting real,

Ashley 💕

10 thoughts on “Sugar Coated Life…”

  1. Ashley, sorry to hear Scott is back in the hospital. Is there anything we can do on our end? Just for the record, when I ask how you are doing, I really want to know, so feel free to be honest with me. Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks Margaret, I appreciate you saying this. Scott always enjoys visitors, so if his stay gets extended beyond Tuesday that would be nice 😃 They are worried about him coughing up so much blood so they may keep him longer. We will see after his scan later tonight.

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    2. Hi Ashley. My name is Lisa Herzog. I’m friends with Sharon Salyers Keys. I have been reading your blog. I am so sorry for what you are all going through. This particular entry made me cry. It made me remember what I went through with my mom. I can’t imagine going through it with my husband. The things that go through your minds and the heartache….something nobody should have to deal with. But you are such a strong person. I can tell just by reading your entries. Stay strong. It will help keep him strong. I will keep Scott and the rest of you in my prayers. Sending positive thoughts and energy.

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      1. Hi Lisa, thank you so much for reading my blog and for the prayers, you can never have too many of those! Thank you for your kind words — It is definitely not an easy road, but with the strength of God I know I can do anything.

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  2. Through the good days and the bad days I am here for you. I hope you continue to be as honest with me that you can. I do understand the “sugar-coating” having used it so many times in my life….sometimes it seems easier. I have always found peace within my conversations with God. Loving you amidst our chaos. Mom 3

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  3. I know I’m a long way away, but I’m here for you. I pray daily for all of you and for God to guide the doctors and nurses hands as they care for Scott.
    Ashley, you are like your Mom, as you are a.very strong woman and it is that strength that helps keep Scott strong. Taking time for yourself is necessary and I’m only a phone call away should you need to vent, cry, laugh, share things that Seeley has done, anything…. Love you, Aunt D ❤

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  4. Ashley, I’m so sorry to hear that Scott is back in the hospital. Please let me know if there’s anything at all that I can do to help, including offering a place for you and Seeley to stay during these hospitalizations. You’ve got support to help you through this.
    If Scott feels up to visitors, I’d love to stop by and say hello. Hang in there and know that you’re not alone in this!
    Nancy

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